blood on a dandelion,
the petals peel and shiver
down into solitary winter -
where even the beautiful freeze to be
time-tapped and sapped
of syrup and libido.
Lips push and shove,
hooking fish in lakes of
undulating emoceans.
Anima and fluff snatch opportunity
from the zenithal zephyr that
rips through this metropolis -
dashing death with bolts of fire
and dropping rain sanguine.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,013 Literary Works • 672,842 Reviews
Sara,
Jack is correct insofar as the language rolls off the tongue. Unfortunately, the meaning and purpose of your poem roll off with it.
I see a barely visible trace of a world which is collapsing from its own self-mutilation, but is this really anything new or that has not been established by much better poets? I am not certain; you can rework this, but my suggestion is to start the idea over on a fresh sheet of paper.
Take care,
Brad
Love the words and the flow
I don't really understand what your talking about except death i think but
I'm only 13 so you know....
great poem though
just great
Yeah, we discussed that. It was pure accident. The dandelion being the sun - a universal thing - the blood being the wound, corruption, the signal of death.
Ahh -- fair enough.
Did you take the blood on the dandelion, too?
The language in this poem was simply beautiful. It rolled off the tongue.
Yes, Firestarter. I stole it. He knows.
I love the "emoceans" thing. That is sooo cool!
I can't crit this because I can't find anything! I'll just tell ya I love it!
Wiggy
Didn't Brad use "emoceans" in one of his poems, once?
Stunning. It looks like you put a lot of thought into this. Keep up the great work!
Pandora
Your word choice is beautiful, I love this piece.
Nice piece. I particularily enjoyed your word selection in reference to the poem’s context (emoceans was clever). As for constructive criticism, the one thing I felt that distracted me from the flow was:
It's difficult to distinguish whether "where even the beautiful freeze" is supposed to carry on into the next line, "time-tapped and sapped". Either seperate it, or better illustrate its correlation. As is, it diverts the reader. Cheers,
Cameron
I bump. And I am unashamed